My cousin A

Today I happened to talk to my cousin A after a very long time.A is JC's son.
I had had a long tiresome day behind me and it was a welcome change to hear that A was getting his visa done to Bangladesh.Get me something from there A , a souvenir of sorts said I.Pat came the reply "I'll find poor hungry people , shall i bring back some?".
Bah.Sarcasm must run in the family.

The standing joke in A's office is that his boss-man throws darts randomly on the world map while deciding A's travel destination , the imperative word being random.A couple of months back , A was asked to make a business trip to Guatemala.A landed , and after the customary garland ritual(??), he found himself being escorted to a plush five star.A found himself thawing.Boss-man wasn't so bad after all , he thought.After a king sized lunch , A wandered into the lobby and asked the hotel manager for a list of places to see and shop at.He must've walked 10 feet out of the hotel and before he knew it , he got mugged.

A confused A ran back into the hotel and related the incident to the hotel manager who nodded calmly and said "Yes, that happens.Next time take only 100 dollars , nothing more."
A , who must also inherit the pig headedness from the family ventured out again.This time , he made it till Curio shop.The owner said he had some rare pieces in the room behind , and asked A to accompany him.And mugged him.

A hurried back to the hotel manager who said , yes calmly "Yes, that happens.Never enter the rooms inside".

A third time , A set out.I don't whose nagging had been worse , mine or his sister's.He had walked about 100 feet , when he heard shooting and gunmen.He was standing amidst a gang war.
.....

"How was the trip A ?" I asked, handing him a cup of coffee."What did you bring back?"

"My life" he said.

The tale of two poles

Legend:
North Pole:Dad
South Pole:Ma

It is the month of April - When SP's students celebrate their well deserved summer vacation and turn 180 degrees wherever they happen to spot SP.Needless to say , this has rendered SP bored and what does she do to give vent to her pent up emotions? Nag NP.

SP:"After 30 odd years of being married , you would think we would be doing something together , wouldn't you?"
NP:" Hmm .. Amar Singh is being unreasonable"
SP: "Maybe its because he doesn't go anywhere with his wife"
Np: "Hmm.."
SP: " Let me call Amit and see if he's wasting away his summer without studying"

The next day , NP came home laden with two passes to the yearly Ramanavami Concerts held at the Fort High School.He loves music and even goes to bed with the CD player humming in the background.The competitive streak in SP was suitably aroused.She came hurrying to me with a pained expression and an ipod in tow.

SP:"You have to help me"
Me:" Errmm.. see I can't promise you anything"
SP: "Please download all songs in Hamsadwani for me , so that when it plays I will recognize the raaga instantly"
Me: "Wouldn't it be easier to see the brochure?"
SP: " Would it would it?"
Me: "Sigh.Ok"

On the first day of the concert , as I was trudging back from work,I was duly greeted by SP and NP who were at the front door poised for a sprint.
Me: "But I told you guys I had the key! Why didn't you leave?"
SP and NP:" Lock the doors , DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR FOR STRANGERS, Peep before you speak etc etc"
Me:"Sigh.Ok..Shooo now"

About 15 minutes later , I got an SMS.It was from SP.It was cryptic.It went "Hi".
I messaged her back wondering what in the world she could be up to "hiing" away in a concert.She replied with a "Flash message".
Did you know there was that option?? I didn't!
I said I had received her flash message, but why wasn't she listening to the concert and why was was fidgeting around with her cell.
She replied "^^^^^^^".
What?? I said."^^^^^^^" came the reply.
I gave up and called her."Hullo" she whispered sinisterly." Ma , what did you say"
"ooohh !" she said sounding extremely kicked." I sent you a message in tamil , did you get it?"
"Ma , does Appa know you're not listening to his precious concert?"
"Yes , he is now replying to my messages in tamil.Do you want to speak to him??Also , please come and pick me up in 10 minutes..Bye ..!"

Of late , my Dad sends me flash messages from the concert.SP has convinced him that the concert is an audio only concert , and the hands could do with some exercise.

Lord , save me.

More pole tales here.

Happy Birthday .. to me!

12:00 AM: An sms from first best friend Suppi wishing me a very happy birthday :)
1:30AM:
Mom whispering loudly to Altoid(Who is here for her annual vacation)"Is it 12 yet?"
Altoid:*Matter of fact tone* "No , its 1:30"
Mom:"Oh no!!! We missed midnight! .. I will wake your Dad up.."
I pretended to be fast asleep and shut my eyes tighter lest I stole their thunder.
By this time , my Mom had successfully prodded my Dad in the stomach to wake him up.
Dad:*Who had taken his rehearsals from the previous night a tad too seriously*
" Happy Birthday to you ....."*sing song voice*
Mom:"Hushhhhh... Its me!"
Dad:"oh"
Mom:" Come.. we will get the cake"
Dad:*Eyes shining* "Cake!"
The next thing i see hear is my Dad brandishing a cake with a candle atop it.
*Happy Birthday to youuuu ...* yes I definitely know where I get my out of tune singing from.

Mom emerged victoriously with two jewel boxes.

*Flashback start*
Yesterday, sometime in the afternoon , Dad had mysteriously entered the room and grunted even more mysteriously to Mom.
Dad:" Your old school colleague Mrs SK has come" (Like he was reading out a herald)
Mom: "Who??"
Dad:*Glares hard and grunts even harder*
Mom:*Light dawns..30 years of living together had to get them somewhere*
Alto: *giggle*
Me to Alto: "Is that the jeweler?"
Alto*Very helpfully* "When?"
*Flashback End*

Me:"Ma? You guys got me jewelery? Who knew!"

And that my dear friends is the story each time!

Jesus Christ from the old company called, strange thing with him being , we never talk to each other the entire year !Messages from unknown numbers are quite embarrassing.Like the one that went "Someone above loves you , someone below cares for you .. Happy Budday" it went.Turned out to be a colleague who is very nice, of course I am going to be nicer to him from today.I love everybody who remembers my budday.

I love my budday.

Happy Budday to me

:)

Identity Crisis

The other day , Altoid's close friend M invited us very kindly for lunch.After about 2 months of surviving my cooking and my colleagues' cooking..remind me to write about her sometime.. now this colleague of mine follows a very simple rule of thumb for every dish that she cooks ..
-Prepare a tadka of mustard seeds , channa dal , green chillies, red chillies,red chilli powder,garam masala, turmeric , any handy powder within a 3 metre radius
-Add to rice/subzi/semolina/vermicilli/egg mixture
-Say Fini

Ok, moving on.. M had cooked a fabulous , tasty and healthy(just the kind I love) lunch for us and just when we were lolling about the kitchen waiting for M to scoop out the ice cream for us , Alt launched on her favorite topic - Sagittarians.About how we the sagis are the out of sight out of mind variety(Now , tell me.What can I do if I choose not to miss people? Whats the point being sad about people who aren't around?Why waste a precious day being unhappy about things you can't help? Tell?).Yeah , thats when something stirred in the head.

A long time ago, I was 11.Then,to say that my sister was suffering the worst possible side effects of the terrible teens would be to understate.The Mother was , well , herself.So the two ganged up , yet again.

So , one Sunday afternoon , as I was sitting at my desk battling with a Gulmohar,the two creeped up behind me.And suddenly started talking , like they weren't aware I was around. I know! They sucked at play acting.Anyway , here's how the "conversation" went:
Alt : What will she do now?Its almost as if her whole identity has changed...
Mom: Yeah ..*err*.. correct
Alt: Who would've thought they were going to introduce a new zodiac sign!And that too called Ophiuchus!
Mom: Yes.. *err* unforutnately people born between November 30th and December 17th are now Ophiuchusites! Now , couldn't she have been born on the 18th?
Alt:OMG .. is she a cusp between this Ophi something and Sagittarius?What are the characteristics of this Ophi thing?Will all her Sagittarian traits ebb away now..?
By this time , I had forgotten to pretend I wasn't listening.. my head had turned 180 degrees and the eyes were popping out of their sockets..
Seren: Ammmaaa.. sob sob... what will I do Ammmmaa.. I dont want to be a cusb...
Amma:*Realizing that this was the most fun she could glean out the situation* Don't be silly now , couldn't you see we were playing a trick on you? Don't behave like an ass , now!
Alt: Yeah , I agree! Can't you take a joke without perennially turning on the waterworks?
Seren:*Looking very hopefully* So , this new zodiac was all fiction? I am still a Sagittarian?
Alt: Hell, no!It very much exists! Amma , say hellooooooo to our new Ophiuchusite...!!!

Yes , and my colleagues/friends wonder why I am this moody and cranky.Childhood scarring , I tell you!!

JC

Hi all ,

A long week this was , what with project releases and features , it was also one of the saddest weeks of my life , one that I will take to my grave. It marked the demise of my Dad's younger brother. One day , I could hear him coughing outside my window , the next day I went to see him at the general ward , the next I heard he had been wheeled into the ICU and the fourth day , he had passed away.In all this what makes my blood boil is the fact that he brought about his own end.35 years of excessive drinking did no one any good.Anyway , we will let that be.Dearest J chittappa , I love you , and I will pray for you , and when you meet Paati ,please tell her everybody in H's wedding told me I resemble her to the tee.

So a little background on J chittappa , ok now , stop with all the sniffing . This blog is my happy place and we shalt discuss only happy things out here , Ok? Ok.

Altoid was J chittappa's only niece for a long time to come.A long peaceful period of time at our ancestral home before the hurricane brought in the rest of us.His ways of playing with children were quirky like you will find out...
Place Altoid atop the chest of drawers.Altoid's face crumples as she contemplates JC's next move.She puckers up.JC goes forward to pick her up.Altoid's blackcurrant eyes dance with joy.Altoid coos and rests a pretty head on JC's shoulder.Altoid opens her eyes.She's atop the Almirah now.waaa AAA HHHHHH.WAAAaaaaahhhh.
JC says : " You ?? An army man's niece??"

Here's a bit that Altoid aka "Shoni" (the skinny one) has written about JC ..

........the fridges of the 70s? Hugggggggggggge, tall, massive, bulky, White! The one in our Bangalore home was one such. Almost 6ft +, it was a novelty in those times. Also my nemesis. When both my chikappas came home for their annual vacation, J from the army and V from Air Force- J chikappa's pastime was to lift me and sit me up on the dirty top of the fridge. Dirty, cos it was too high to clean. Scary, cos then I was scared of heights- all of 3 or 4 or 5 yrs old.

I would scream and cry and J chikappa would go about his business. Carpentry was his passion. He even made me my own wooden toy train. And so many other beautiful toys. A WW2 enthusiast- the WW2 memorial in DC always reminds me of him. A fighter in the 1971 war between India and Pakistan for Bangladesh. Stationed at Kashmir for some very tense years in the 90s. The innumerable Double Deckers and Cadbury's chocolates that were showered on 'Shoni'- that was me, meaning the skinny one.

J chikappa may you RIP.

~altoid

Coming back to our narrative ,

Next in the hitlist came along Seren , aka Jokali (swing), why was i named thus ? Coz this time around JC got innovative.
Hang Jokali from the entrance to the *Bhuvaneshwari hall.Give her frail 3 kg frame a push from the back .She swings sadly much too scared to cry.Bring her down and watch.Her face crumples.
She deposits some poop on him in generous amounts.
Touche`

*Bhuvaneshwari
About some 100 odd years back , apparently the room at the center of the house had no ventilation.Hence , this room had a skylight.And our hall was called Bhuvaneshwari.

Then came along his son A.The typical boy.Loved Lego bricks and had a massive train set with realistic looking station masters , bogies , goods trains , passenger trains et all.JC's son to the tee.While the rest of us became software engineers , he joined the export import industry in Africa!

Then came along my cousin D.My partner in crime.Someone who thought nothing of wearing my tie-around sarees and wearing lipstick.Someone who was in awe of his J Perippa. I still remember one incident when all of us were playing hide n seek inside the house .D was chasing me and I jumped over the tea table , picked myself up and ran screaming into JC's room whilst he was having his afternoon nap.Out came an angry head from under the blankets(It was SUMMER then , even if Bangy had been cooler than it is now , it was no excuse to be sleeping under one!) and roared into my face
"Get out Get out! OUT!".Out I ran crying, vowing never to speak to JC when he was up.

After that came along R , his daughter , a tom-boy then.Now she sports waist length hair and can barely be seen in anything shorter than a kurta.If anybody has ever cared for JC and really looked after him , it is her.

Last but not the least , the recluse in the family , D's brother - D!
(Blog lingo truly kills the mood at times!).

A lot of JC's cousins and friends came home and shared snippets about him.N uncle says JC had tried to electrocute N uncle .Just to see what it "looked" like.N uncle , barely 5 then was just about to stick his finger into the socket when Paati burst in and slapped JC ...

P maami related one wonderful story . JC, while he was in Bangladesh paid P maami a visit in Calcutta.The sun had set and JC asked for a cup of strong tea.While he was sipping the tea , he looked into the distance and very calmly told P maami , that it was just yesterday that his best friend got shot through the heart while they were returning in the army jeep.The next day dawned bright and early and P maami asked him if he was alright and whether he was still depressed.Pat came the reply "Depressed? Why?"

JC , may you rest in peace.I hope heaven has a good workshop.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Weekday Happenings

Legend PPP : Praying PillPopper , mother
Potterer: Dad
RM:me
Altoid:The sister , she ,well , is minty

Its the end of the year feel , theres 10% of the normal crowd in the cafeteria and the caterer happily doles out sooka chappathis without counting them , he usually lurks behind the huge casserole and swoops down on anybody who grabs more than two..considering they taste like feet..!

So now , the Pillpopper(She seems to be the high point of all my posts , shes a never ending source of post feed , I tell you!) decided to go her Maika , apparently it has been two years since she last saw her Mom.So , one fine Sunday morning ,

PPP:" Hi !"
Potterer:" err , what do you want?"
PPP(*looking miffed*):" Why does everyone respond in that fashion to my Hellos!"
Potterer(*Looks on gloomily*)
PPP:" I want to go to Secunderabad tomorrow"
Potterer:"Sigh"

Come Monday eve , PPP sporting a rich maroon sari walks daintily towards the A4 coach , while I balance a large tote bag and a larger suitcase and puff along behind her.

PPP:" Why are you puffing , do you think your BP is normal?"
RM:"Think the BP is fine , I think your eyesight is failing , can't you see what I'm carrying?"
PPP:" We better hurry , apparently this train is coming from Delhi and will stop in Bangalore for 5 minutes"
RM: "The train is coming from Delhi to B'lore and then to Sec'bad? It doesn't make sense"
PPP:"Its not logical , its just a route dear"
Potterer:" Ahem ... the train is going to Delhi ,it starts in Bangalore and it will stop in Secunderabad for 10 minutes"
PPP:" Ok , in that case , wake me up at 6 AM , set an alarm in your mobile , DON'T FORGET , else I'll land in Delhi"
RM: *Looks scared*

This meant that I was in charge of the kitchen for four days.

-Did you know that you DON'T wash bhindi after its cut? , looks like goo
-Did you know that you've got to boil the tamarind water really well to ward away the sour taste ? Else you'll have hot n sour soup and hot n sour soup for Rasam and Sambhar
-Suppose , just suppose your cooker is making that wooosh sound and spouting starch and steam in equal proportions , tilt the cooker so that the spout faces the sink , that way , you don't need to clean the ceiling... you think I could start a food blog?
-Never let the Potterer make decoction , its easier to add water to a cup of hot milk

*********************************************************************************


Wishing you all a very Happy New year :) and I hope you get HUGE proportions of whatever you want :)




Image -123greetings.com

Sound of music

6:15 AM: *ZZzzZZ*

Sounds from the wash stand:"Splash splash , tweeka tweeeka brush brush"

RM:"zzeeh?"

RM:(glaring hard at the ceiling)" Appa?"

Dad:"Shploosheh?"

RM:"Never mind , am up anyway!"

Some other day,

4:11 AM:* zzzZZ dream dream*

Sounds from the kitchen

"BANG clang scrub bang "

"Ting ting ting ting"

RM:*Looks at the ceiling*

RM:"Ma?"

Mom:*Sing song voice from the kitchen* " Oooh did I wake you?"

RM:"No no , I'm still dreaming"

Mom:" Early morning sarcasm eh , hehe"

RM: " WHAT are you doing at this hour? Is it that Kanu festival today?"

Mom:*bang bang clang* "I slept in the afternoon yesterday and I couldn't sleep at all in the night , so I thought I would finish up with the cooking and call Kedar earlier so that I could finish up with the tuition as well"

RM:"Ok , open the front door , I'll sleep in the garden"


Sometime during mid December

1:05 AM

*Har dil jo pyaar karega woh gaana gayegaa*

RM:"#$#$#"

Altoid:*Switching channels*" Ooooh goodie , you're up!"

RM:" I'm not UP! I've been WOKEN up!"

Altoid : *Nods* " You know , its been ages since I saw these geet mala kind of songs"

RM:"Really now, tch tch!!!!"

Altoid:"And did I tell you ? Remember that visit to someamericansoundingmuseum? I sent you the pics?"

RM:"No , you send me pictures of paintings , flowers , buildings , so I don't remember which one. Now , if you'd told me remember that photo of me in the brown spanish skirt , THEN I MIGHT remember "

RM:" Hello?"

Altoid: *ZZzzzz*

RM goes to the wash stand

*Splash splash , tweeka tweeeka brush brush*


The first scene repeated this morning , and I resigned gracefully to fate and woke up.

Mom:"Hello!"

RM:" What do you want?"

Mom:"Be more courteous to your elders and how did you know I wanted something?"

RM:*Grin*

Mom:" Yesterday , I asked GuruRaghavendra grocery guy to give me some cardboard boxes"

RM:"Ok...."

Mom:" And he gave me some"

RM:" Err.. so what's the problem"

Mom:" They all read TANGY CHICKEN noodles"

RM:" That were once there? Hmm..."

Mom:*Troubled face* " I don't like to keep them , I know you would think it very old fashioned ..but"

RM:" Yeah Ma , I understand , I wouldn't want to keep them either somehow"

Mom:*Bustles away beaming*

Sounds from the verandah

Dad:"Hmmm one more accident"

Mom:" Yesterday , I asked GuruRaghavendra grocery guy to give me some cardboard boxes"

All in the family

Now , just before I decided to do a post about it , I did ask my Mom if she had any objections to my content. As always she said she did , and as always I choose to disobey , so here goes..

I think my family has a strange strain of sadism running through it that has gotten better with each generation.With that Dhamakedar opening , I shalt resort to using less fancy words.You've knitted your brows? You wonder why it is so? RM patti will tell you why.Here's why.Shall I commence now? Or now?

See what I mean?

Let me start at the very beginning.I was born in Secunderabad(besides that , I do not have any attachment or sentiment attached to the place ) .During the formative years of my life , my Mother and Altoidster led me to believe that I was actually a Muslim (No offense meant to the religion ,more to do with regionally) woman's throw-away baby and my original name was "Raziya".To make matters worse , during throes of "Im-an-unwanted-child-who-loathes-studying" , I was led to believe that I had not one but TWO sisters far away in a hostel , and the reason I didn't see them was because they chose to come down during my summer vacations in Sec'bad!
I bawled my heart out and talked to the mango tree while the Mom and Sis exchanged glances and whispered
"Where's she"
"Under the mango tree"
"Did she hug it yet?"

*********************************************

Now , we will introduce the C Maama , my Mother's equally sadistic brother.
After a heavenly lunch of Rice-Vetha Kozhambu-Vadaam-Thayir shadam-pickle-Banganpalli mango , I would wander around the book-shelf aimlessly(i think sometimes people can't bear to see my happy face), and then C mama who would be seated on the reclining chair would catch hold of both my hands and wouldn't let me go. He would then say " This is how the crocodile caught hold of the elephant in Gajendra Moksham ..Heeeeehahahhaa" .And I would wail around uselessly to an empty audience and promptly fall asleep.

*Thinks*

*Pouts*

*:(*
****************************************************************

Yes , there's more

There was/is this muslim family who were our neighbors in Sec'bad. And apparently a kid called Mujaheed who was around my age lived there too . Yes you guessed right.

They had arranged for Mujaheed and his long lost Raziya to be united in Holy matrimony on the 2nd of some month , some year.

And I nearly died of palpitation as the day neared...


The only saving grace in this whole situation was probably the Dad ... someone who'd frown sometimes , look on amusedly at other times...

So I kid you not when I quote

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
~Linda Sunshine

On a related note , Altoidster has designed this template for me , and it is SO me , the colors , the illustrations et all. Ty Ems :)

Home bound

The Altoid has moved into her “home”. June 10^th will be remembered from now on, just like May 13th is .Newer curtains will be procured every year to mark this day and the slightly older ones will be shifted to the dining area, the linen cupboard groweth.

To us four, a home is almost a part of the family, the fifth and the sixth members of our household. Which explains why we pamper them and pet them and clothe them like they were our offsprings. Which also explains the psychedelia in the drawing room . Each member feels it her right to buy whichever color and whatever thing that she fancies.Why her and not he ? The Dad is, but naturally the onlooker.He is the guy that did all the framework ,the walls and the beams , we do all the colors and generally , whatever we want.

A huge Singaporean multi-colored fan adorns one wall, the sensible Altoid figured, it didn’t matter what color we painted the walls, the fan would definitely go. She didn’t realize half of our guests (all old and nearly blind) would feel the same.

Or like that Kerala “Lady with the lamp” print I got of Raja Ravi Varma.I got it for 150 rupees , after much haggling with the vendor , after shaking my fist at him and telling him the great Ravi Varma would be ashamed to see his work of art being sold by that mercenary. Anyway , the lady looks kinda confused standing in front of the telephone table.

Mom , on the other hand loves diyas , idols of God and brass platters . Which is why you would find an idol of Lord Ganesha facing a platter of pink gerbras floating serenely amidst floating candles and money plant (?) leaves. Art , they say has not any rule.

I hope her new home would be to Alto, what her old one will always be. The stretch of land where we stuck together lived together and stayed together.

The home is where the heart is , or rather where the “hearth” is : )