The Matrimony Chronicles -The Donts

If you're sick of my chronicles , I understand your pain ,maybe this list might make you laugh.

The Don'ts

1)I understand you have a best friend and he/she's been your friend ever since you were in diapers.But when he/she said you looked best in your profile photos , they meant it with your HEAD also turned ALONG with your body.Now ,its plain scary to look at you with your body heading west and your head peering into the camera with an oh-look-at-me-im-so-dandy expression.

2)Remember Tinkle? Remember the column in which you had spot what was wrong with the picture that you saw in front of you?To quote an example .. one in which Hansel and Gretel are browsing the internet?(Ok, I made that up..hey, do you think I should send this as an entry to Uncle what-was-he? Pai? Shenoy?).Ok, come back now.Well yeah , today I saw one such pic.The guy was standing in a beach in California (next to the board that read that)and he was wearing a veshti.Next time , you might want to bring in an elephant Mr.Beach.

3)Parents of the groom, please note this.When the groom's profile reads thus: Mr XYZ , the great grandson of Sangeetha Vidwaan Nagercoil Sriman XYZnathan , grandson of violin Vidwaan from Tanjore Mr ABCswamy , son of blah blahRaman..well excuse me , this isn't the place to put in a herald..unless your son were to be Raja Raja Chola!

Which reminds me , I'm through with the 4th volume of Ponniyin Selvan.Superb read.I've decided to read the remaining two volumes sparingly .. they need to tide me through the next month and a half.

And thank you for leaving no "Thoughts" in my previous two posts.Hmph.The support is much appreciated.

Result of Matrimony Chronicles -III

Dhanya, you asked for it ;).

The story so far

Q is the latest matrimony matter.Q is phone-shy.I was supposed to meet aforesaid matter at 6.I vetoed the continental restaurant idea.As it is things are going very shamathuly, imagine meeting Q matter in Conti restaurant at 6.Nothing to eat also , no coffee also.So I vetoed.

I went about 5 minutes early and plonked myself at Vi , Viv's and my favorite table , the corner table facing the road.And conveniently got lost in Ponniyan Selvan.SMS at 18:00:00 sharp, unknown number reads(I don't store numbers until after the first meeting,no?)"I am here".I replied " :), come up I'm on the first floor".

And then Q came.And sat.And I smiled.And silence reigned.I started tapping feet to the tunes of "Jinke mari na".And then Q spoke.Two pearls dropped on to the table.

Q:"I'm a very shy , introverted,independent person"
Seren:"Hmmm..that's nice..I'm sure.."
Q:"And you?"
Seren: "I'm not shy , I think I'm an extrovert,but I'd say I was independent"
Q smiled understandingly..he knew what it was to find a fellow Independent.

The waiter who had dismissed us to be the "2 coffee-1 plate idly" variety was in for a shock.Because Q asked for the mocktail menu.Yes ,definite potential for a blog post.

The next 20 minutes went very similar to a 20-20 match.Here's how.

Q:What technology do you work on?
S:3GPP
Q:Doesn't that do technosoundingword version 3?
S:I think its version 4, not sure..
Q:It is version 3, I worked on it just last month
Score Q-1 S-0.

In an attempt to assuage the situation and not have Amma harp "But you don't give them a chance" I thought I'd shift the focus to Amma, well , she asked for it.Albeit in my head.

S:Last week , my Mom went walking in Lalbagh and a candidate came to campaign.Mom went and complained to him about the fact that she had two daughters and how unsafe it is for women in Karnataka given these situations.To this , the candidate grinned back sheepishly and mumbled that soon very soon something would be done to condone it.
(After this burst of bravado , Mrs Arjuna award came home and shivered wondering if the party goondas would be after her given she's a regular Lalbagh walker)
Q:So which party did she vote for this time around?
S:Its a secret ballot you know ;)
Score Q-1 S-1

Q:Ahem.So which places have you traveled to and what did you feel when you did.
S:I visited Agra last year and it was then that I was reading the Feast of Roses.It felt good to be visiting all the places that were spoken of in the book..But you know , I didn't really have an AHA moment when I saw the Taj Mahal , maybe owing to the fact that it was so crowded..and..
Q:Ok and which other place?
S:We visited Kerala this year
Q:I have covered the entire stretch up north and west.Only east is pending.
S:Really?I thought you said you hated traveling?
Q:Yes, I do.

Q:-infinity S:+infinity



I felt tired.This was worse than answering an interview.An hour of my life wasted right in front of my eyes...and then he bowled a googly.

Q:So, are you usually dressed like this?
S:*I looked down wondering if I forgot to wear my top.No .. didn't seem the case* "No , I dress differently in the swimming pool" (Another vain attempt at humor)
Q:Ok.. my Dad's very conservative firstly and secondly he doesn't like Iyers too much
S:Hain? *Ok and we met why?*
Q:But then , you know its all about DDLJ
S:Ok
Q:You know, convincing parents if you feel right about it.
S:Sure
Q:*Gets up suddenly as if something bit him(or hit him like I was itching to)* Let's go.
S:Yep.

Stick a fork in me,I'm done.

The Matrimony Chronicles- III

Lets call him , Q. 'Coz if he's following this blog , he mightn't know.Well err yeah , mostly he wouldnt know.I'm told most people don't know their quirks even when they're told about it.Take Amma , for example.She thinks she's got a great sing song voice.She doesn't.Whenever my Dad's friends call up , they think she's him.
Anyway,back to Q.

Q lives two streets away which is why I thought there'd be some hope for the alliance.Imagine!! 2 streets!And so,I agreed.
After the initial Hi , I studied till 10th here ,my family are descendants from this rhesus monkey etc etc, we moved to Phase 2 i.e the boy girl chatting meeting stage.I mailed him my email id and mobile number, for which he replied saying he was , hold your breath *phone-shy*.Now , none of the full bodied matri men Ive met so far have been phone shy.I thought men usually jumped at the thought of having a girl's(ANY girl's) phone number.Hmmm , this must be what Amma kept talking about.That men get senile after a certain age.Serve me right for not having married when I was 23.Q added saying it would be a good idea to meet.Ahhh I thought ..he's a cut above the rest , he wants to meet instead of just talking ...oh wait there's some more text.What's that? He wants us to meet online at 9:30 Pm on Yahoo messenger.And his id is "yahoomessenger009".I imagined what his other ids would be "skype4u_010" , "gtalk_4u_4frm_me_011".In this day and age , with a zillion messengers , it must be hard to remember IDs.Right?

The last time I had an online appointment when I 17.When sameer_bhatia_punjab_da_puttar from PnJaab told me that he had an online crush on me (he loved my fonts).I forgave Q for this faux paus.After all , he lived two streets away.How bad could he be.

A week later (I forgot to keep up the said appointment .. I really cant think why), I got a mail from Q.It read " Hi *Seren's full name..uh oh bad sign*, I was online between 9:15:53 to 9:45:51 .. nearly half hour (actually 29 minutes 58 seconds)and you did'nt turn up(Really?Are you sure I didnt!) , I think you must've mailed me the reason .. but for some reason I didnt receive any mail(Err yes Post man chacha misplaced it and mailed it to Oklipuram instead) , I am sure you have reasons for doing what you did(Yes , would you say the same if I broke a vase on your head? Please?), can we meet online today at 9:15 PM?.Now, you know ,I hate statistic keeping whiny people.Normal whiny people I dont mind.But oh!Two streets away!

Recently I received yetannoder mail from him asking if we could meet.I said 'Sure!How about coffee at Kalmane?'And pat came the reply 'I hate the smell of coffee and jasmine , could we meet at someweirdcontinental restaurant at 6'.*Sigh*.If a coffee filter were to be male and tam brahm , I'd consider marrying it I say , and dude hates the SMELL ?SMELL? If I were to be in coma(touch wood) a good way to bring me back to senses would be to bring me some coffee.Sere.I'm being spoilt.Yes , so please sue me.

Hmph.

Sigh.

Two streets = 5 minutes from Home.

Ok , I go meet him and see.He can't be too bad.

The Matrimony Chronicles -II

Well , hello .Can you tell me who is the point of contact God who is in charge of matrimony? Well that some one has a SERIOUS problem with me.

So as of now,in my kitty I have 4 prospective grooms , the imperative word being prospective.We are not all that nonchalant about it as we make it out to be.Sometimes , we get interested in the said grooms.Like the other day , a conversation with PPP went as follows.

Seren: "Amma , some TamSoundingName has mailed regarding his son , says he has already talked to you"
PPP:*Looking up from her crossword* "Really ? Who is he?"
Seren:"You dont know?"
PPP:"Ohh .. yes ... is the great grandad from Gopichetti?"
Seren:"Do you think Yahoo could trace back his mail to that place? His mail doesn't really go "I am tamsounding name , great grandson of tammersoundingname from Gopichetti whose great great grandson we are searching an alliance for .."
PPP:*Looks observantly*" You are getting older and more and more bitter.."

Another went ...
PPP: "The boy wants to meet you"
Seren:"Sure, just let me know his name , I cant really go "Hi boy , me girl" "
PPP:*Looks a little concerned*"The boy said he leaves for office at 12 PM everyday"
Seren:"Ok"
PPP:"Do you think he really has a job?"
Seren:"You didnt ask him where he worked??? and I need to meet boy??

The cherry on the icing so far has been a mail that I received today.Now, my profile mentions the name of mera company shtrongesht and this is why the mail went thus ...

"You seem to be deeply embedded with the DSP's and looks like signals from me are too weak to breach the SNR levels ..."

For the uninitiated SNR stands for Signal to Noise Ratio and it basically determines the strength of a signal ...

If I have to keep polling once in a while I may have to raise interrupt again [though not indefinitely, once battery drains, signals transmissions will cease].

Dearest God-of-Matrimony,

I had asked you for a man with a sense of humor .. now did you really have to insert the word warped there? Tell me??? Tell me?

Phat

:) We never tire of this topic , no? Hug Hug! .. oh by the way i aveabadgold... pliss to move farther.

So what happened now on the matri front? So , PPP went and got 3 horoscopes matched and came.And she was referring to her little diary called Alliances for Seren to call them up.Strictly in descending order of the horo match.

PPP: "Hello ... is this Mrs.TamilSoundingName"
TSN: "Yes , indeed" (Post British Raj upbringing)
PPP: "How do you" (Not to be outdone)
TSN: "I am doing very well , how about you"
PPP: "Me too"
*Stony Silence*
PPP: "The horoscopes of Seren and your son have matched"
TSN: " Oh thats great , there's a minor clarification, though"
I looked on amusedly while "Potential post feed" flashed in my head.
TSN: " Errm .. Seren doesn't really look thin in her matri profile"
PPP: " Yes , we never said she was thin .. but she isn't fat either ..."
TSN: " Yes.. but my son is very particular that his future wife should be thin atleast before marriage , so that even if she puts on +5/10 Kgs after marriage , she will still look right.And he really does'nt want to reject a girl after meeting them"
PPP: " Alright , Mrs.TSN , I see no point in proceeding further ...good day"
TSN: " If you could give me her weight , maybe I could talk to him about it"
PPP: " Just a moment , I shall hang up ever so gently so that I could go look up on my daughter's BMI"

And who says this woman is the mother of a "daughter"??

Yes , I'm terribly glad for God's small mercies.

The Matrimony Chronicles - I

Oh yes , we are back at it. Our favorite topic.

Lets call him S.S with an Irish accent.Oh No.That was the other one.This one had a an Australian accent.Well Duh not because he lived in Australia , but because that breeze used to brush past him and ruffle his hair oh so gently whenever Australian ships docked at Frankfurt.

Anyway , after sending me a cryptic mail that read
"Wll cll at 19:56 tm nte, b prpd. Js kddin!" , I applied the Cryptology logic that Ramakrishna Sir taught me in my first job(Don't ask me why someone was teaching that in an IT company , it calls for more dignity than to be explained between curly braces).I deduced that S would call at 7:56 Pm , hopefully IST.

19:56:01:The Ming starts squealing ...
Disembodied Voice(DV):*Static* "Bellow"
Seren:*Saami , kaapathu* "Hi?" Translates to God Please Help
DV:*White Noise*"Ye"
Seren:*resisting an urge to say “Ee number chalanealli illa :This number dose not exist*: “ Hi! HI !! HIIII!!!”

DV: “Look , first up I’d like to clear a few things”

Seren: “ Uncle? Who I threw chalk at from the second floor?”

DV: “ I am an academician.”

Seren: “ Ooh! That suits me fine. I’m a caretaker at the neighborhood cemetery”

DV: “ We will meet.For coffee.Your treat? Snicker Snicker”

Seren: “ Eh” *I must wax my ears soon , hearing strange things*

Do din baad

1:55:01 Pm

Venue: Coffee Day

I balanced myself precariously on what looked like a barber’s stool to cut babies’ hair.Ok.The ground below seems scarily far away.What do I have in front of me ?A clump of orange-red hair… and something glittery .. Oooh .. hallelujah .. it’s the waiter.

Orange-red : “Mayigetyousomethingmam”

Seren: *Get yourself a razor first and some black hair dye* “Umm , in a while”

OR bows .. oooh his centre clump of hair is blue !

What do I see around me .. bunch of 18 year olds .. one has a swastika tattooed on his hand .. although it looks reversed ..hmm ..Eh .. someones waving at me from outside.And gesticulating that they’re coming inside.

Embodied Voice : “Ye”

Seren: “ S! Hi.Nice to meet you!”

EV: “Come , lets get away from this place”

Seren : “ But I thought you chose this place ‘cause you liked it”

EV : “Did I ? No matter! Lets walk along”

Ek minute baad

Outside a coffee shop

EV: “Two coffees…Hey! You said you would treat me!”

Seren: “ yyyes .. oh dear God”

Let me stop you right here. In case you think I belong to that class of women who do the chivalry jig and expect the men to pay all the time, you’re wrong. This, I thought had to be categorized under plain weird humor.

So we’re walking along talking about his academician family and my not-quite-so family … and there are exactly 28 stones on this pavement.. Hmm funny .. I never ever noticed .. Oh hellooo …S throws his coffee cup into a dustbin that’s 3 feet away. Needless to say , he’s no Jordon , this man. I couldn’t say if he was planning to pick the cup and try again because at precisely that moment a lady with a snake in her basket turned up.

EV: “ Please go away”

Rule of thumb : Never talk to brandishing snake ladies.Tip them.Or run for your life.

Brandishing snake lady: “ The lord will keep your jodi salamat , gimme money now”

EV:*Moves his hands frantically around*

By this time, charmer had advanced towards me while I looked on transfixed.

Charmer: “ Give me 10 bucks”

EV: “ I have no money on me!”

Seren: *Wondering if I should give him some as well* “Here you go!”

By the time I could mouth Jack Robinson; Charmer had flicked a 100 Rs note from my purse and had started sprinting. YES , in the middle of 4^th Blk Jayanagar and in broad daylight.

I didn’t know how to react. So, I did the only thing I could. I sipped some coffee.

Aade ghante aur some more academecia talk ke baad

S offered to drop me off to my bike.He also hands me half a bar of chocolate that has been mercilessly ripped apart from its parent.He also offers to pay me 50 Rs. I had not even an ounce of energy in me to ask why. “ I thought we could split the loss” he said.

That’s it … I have found my calling – Bird collecting

Some gems ...

Do you know why my weekends are never boring these days? 'Cause I just discovered a new hobby! Cleaning up my inbox in my Matrimonial profile! Good time-pass I tell you , it has all the makings of a sooper dooper hit reality show -Laughter(Lots of it , sometimes I need to hold on to the table for support ), then there is Drama("I want a soul-mate who will dig into the crevices of my until-now-un-nurtured heart"), there is romance("I want a friend-wife-soulmate-companion-cleaner-cook all rolled into one hot looking slim fair iyer chick"), there is Dard(" I will continue smiling until i find her") ; Also , ALSO a great place to find quotable quotes!

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.........

When you love someone, and you love them with all your heart, it never disappears when you're apart. And when you love someone and you've done all you can do, you set them free, and if that love was true...when you love someone it will all come back to you.......

*BAWL*

So , now coming to the "gems" part of the post .. it took me a lot of effort to choose two winners .. in this game there are no losers , because we are winners in life , even though we die in the end...my 5 mins of mic fame is up? Ok , here they are!

*CLAP CLAP*

the runner up message is ...

I'v always wondered what would it be like to watch Shiva dance? Guess they call it the Tandava. Don't Shiva and Parvati make a wonderful couple. Enough of mythology so how's work and how's bangalore?

Good message , no?All this 'cause apna profile says apun knows classical dance(thanks to Matashree who resorts to such cheap tactics of carrot dangling to sell me off)

and the winner is...

born and raised in chennai. moved to chandigarh 3 yrs back. as i belong to a royal family dint find the necessity to complete my graduation(he can atleast spell the word , so alls good-o)
lincoln said 'gimme 6 hrs to chop a tree and i'll take 4 hrs to sharpen the axe'.(see? I told you so about the quote part!).Am not gonna say am a hard worker but i've decided to work till the day the world gets rid of destitution.(SNiffff Mother theresa , you have returned!!! TRULY!)
i cannot get along with a grl who is neither well educated nor talented(Yes yes , that right solely belongs to you). 2ndly external appearance matters a lottt to me.(Arrey , of course , janm sidh adhikaar and all that, lottt= too too much)

Voting lines are open , please make the right choice , type "RMKISHAADI" followed by "001" or "002" and send it 6565656565. Till then , good night , shubh raatri!!

;)